An 'anonymous source' has sent BEARD Hockey officials their unique takes on what's gone down in the Dispersal Draft so far. He doesn't hold back here.
Hello to all General Managers from across the BEARD Hockey league!
Now that we have hit a point where the bread and butter of every team is visible and we start moving into the "farm-fill" stage of the draft, I (BEARD Hockey officials state they have NO idea who this is!) have decided to write an article detailing the highs and lows for each team.
This 4 part feature is not meant to be taken too seriously (although one Central GM may need some cream to ease the burn from below). So please...relax and enjoy the read!
Article 3 of 4: THE CENTRAL DIVISION
St. Louis Blues
Best pick: Evander Kane, Round 12 - This guy is EXACTLY what GM Todd Snider likes, and they got him in Round 12. So what if he gets a raise!
Worst Pick: Carter Hart, Round 1 - Hart is an excellent pick that might have been around for one or two more rounds. Saros is similar and dropped much further.
Team Spirit Animal: Checkered Field Snake - Checkers everywhere, at every moment, slithering quietly and sneaking up on it's prey. So many checkers!
Best pick: Ivan Provorov, Round 1 - The key to this pick is taking him from a 1-year to a 3-year contract. Such a powerful defenseman for his age!
Worst Pick: Luke Kunin, Round 7 - I think GM Vince Gibbons could have waited a few rounds on this pick.
Team Spirit Animal: Brown Bear - It just doesn't seem threatening, and it certainly isn't flashy. But the closer I look at it, the more I worry about how much damage it could do.
Best pick: Nick Schmaltz, Round 9 - An excellent all-around forward with a great pass that can fill in at centre if needed. Great late pick!
Worst Pick: Sam Steel, Round 11 - GM Marc-Andre Laberge might have a better worst pick than other GM's best pick, but Steel just looks like a gaping hole on his forward lines.
Team Spirit Animal: 4-year old Thoroughbred - This team can compete right now, but give it three more years and it might really be scary.
Best pick: Hampus Lindholm, Round 6 - This is going to be the team's most valuable skater. They needed defense and took it here.
Worst Pick: Connor Hellebuyck, Round 1 - GM Mat Peltier made a great pick here, but I think it somehow justified disregarding his team defence ever since.
Team Spirit Animal: Virginal Defenceless PussyCat - Why so scared of the D?
Best pick: Max Domi, Round 9 - If you aren't going to take a good goalie, this is a great pick this late in the draft.
Worst Pick: Victor Arvidsson, Round 5 - GM Scott Davidson missed his chance to get a good goaltender here...and every other pick afterwards.
Team Spirit Animal: Drunken Sabretooth - Like it's manager, it is truly offensive, unpredictable, and likely to take it in the teeth once it realizes nobody is protecting it's territory while it goes growling around.
Best pick: Jonathan Huberdeau, Round 2 - Maximizing a great player's contract like this is brilliant. Huberdeau would've been a weak pick in Round 3.
Worst Pick: Thatcher Demko, Round 5 - GM Josh Rose needs to draft BEARD players, not who he sees stealing games in the NHL.
Team Spirit Animal: School of Jellyfish - Sure it can sting you, but it looks softer than it should, and there is only one of them at the centre.
Best pick: Pavel Francouz, Round 5 - Francouz doesn't have a big name, but a cheap #1 goalie in round 5 is a big pick!
Worst Pick: Robert Thomas, Round 6 - GM Colin Small has all of the money in the world to spend, and chooses to skip out on improving his lackluster defence. Erik Karlsson would've been a FAR better pick for the Coyotes.
Team Spirit Animal: Diabetic Tape Worm - If the idea of being stuck in your own end taking lots of shots doesn't bother you, then buy some tickets to watch this group play.
Best pick: Adam Fox, Round 3 - Fox might be the best young defenseman in the league, and a great grab in Round 3.
Worst Pick: Elias Pettersson, Round 1 - Wouldn't you want your first line (and only skilled) centre to be able to win a faceoff? Show me a club that wins a cup with a centre group as dysfunctional as this, and I'll ask you to put your fairy-tales away and go to bed.
Team Spirit Animal: Female Whiptail Lizard - Asexual, extremely defensive, slow to react, ugly as sin, poor vision, a smell worst than a Chicago bus stop, and nobody will want to play with it.
Stay tuned for the final act...Part 4 - the Pacific Division!